Milan. Paris. Barcelona. Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side Football League?
Last night the media were frenzied at the news that The #Ladpack were destined to move away from their club colours of jet-black and electric yellow that had fared them well in back-to-back league titles in favour of a new kit. When asked, Jim ‘Versace’ RR simply said of the new kit “You can’t see it. That’s all I am saying”. Little did we know just how true that was.
Very few have managed to pull of the ‘Camo’ look, with high profile victims such as Jodie Marsh and Dappy falling at the you-look-like-a-bell-end hurdle in recent years. However, Ladpack’s new Camouflage kit has been hailed by one sports fashion journalist as “truly ground-breaking. I thought watching the Lads play was the epitome of beauty, but they have surpassed their own high standards”.
There are a number of theories about the origin of the choice of style:
- Nobody EVER sees the #Ladpack coming
- The Lads are one with the football pitch, Feng Shui-wise
- Cheesy disappears in big matches
- Ladpack are the big time charlies of the FRMN5aSFL, and they wanted to see if the other teams could possibly hate them any more
- After the recent draw, Jim RR was heard screaming that he was “sick of the sight of” his players
- They were cheap.
New #Ladpack Merlin Sticker Collection at all good book shops now
Following last weeks 1-1 draw (without team nucleus Simon Day, or the creative force of Jonny or Luke), the lads need to pray that the new kit gives them the luck they need to get the season back on track.
Either way, the team is looking rejuvenated, confident, and are definitely still the team to watch… If you can.
In other news, #Ladpack has announced it’s new partnership with Camo 40 Premium Beer.
‘Camo 40: Helping Tramps Sleep in style’.
Late on Friday afternoon it was announced that Jamie ‘Corporal’ Clarke would be retiring from Team Ladpack FC, with Monday night’s game to be his last in the yellow and black. In an announcement made through the comment section of his Instagram account (complete with a picture of him taking off his #Ladpack shirt with sunglasses on drinking Starbuck’s), the tough-tackling Italian-Chinese defender revealed:
“Due to an irresistible employment opportunity in London, I will no longer be able to be a full-time #Lad. I’ve had a great year with this team, and although I know that Jim RR’s project is not complete, it will have to go on without me. Up the Ladpack.” he blubbed.
Jamie in action for the #Ladpack
A founding member of The Greatest Team To Ever Play Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side Football©, Jamie will be missed for the long range efforts, incessant calls to “hold the ball” and his complete lack of understanding of the ‘no sliding tackles’ rule.
We can however, now announce the launch of the Ladpack hall of fame, and the Jamie ‘Clarkeyboy’ Clarke Stand at Ladpack’s homeground (AKA White Hart LAD, LADdison Park, Old TraLADford, #LADford Bridge or ElLAD Road), and hope the Corporal will join us in our end of season celebrations.
Simon is irreconcilable, and with his footballing hero and father figure leaving him behind, concerns have already arisen regarding how he will know when to hold the ball and when to run to the corners of the pitch.
Rumours are circulating that the club has left the door open for Jamie to return as Director of Youth Development, as soon as somebody is willing to reproduce with one of the sorry specimens of manhood at the club.
Known for his muscular presence, Clarke’s vacancy may renew Jim RR’s interest in Chris ‘Formerly Known as Judas’ Whitt
Having fought off the circling interests of Manchester United, Jim RR’s managerial position was once again pulled into question following news that Arsene Wenger is showing an interest in 5-a-side football here and here.
“I said HOLD THE BALL, Simon!”
But could he win the Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side Football League without champagne players like Henry, Pires, Cazorla and Bendtner? Here is a list of ten reasons Arsene’s interviews show that he is not right for the Ladpack job:
- “Most five-a-side players like to do a bit of everything with no fixed positions: total football, they often call it, though opponents prefer another two-word phrase: easy pickings.”
Every #Lad is a striker, GK, defender, tea lady, kit man. They call the Ladpack the #YellowPages, because the team is full of jack-of-all-tradesman.
- “You need a goalkeeper; The other option is to take it into turns but for me this is a negative tactic and doesn’t allow for any cohesion.”
Despite Mad Dog Minto making many match-winning saves this season, the rest of Ladpack’s goalkeeping is what is technically known in the footballing community as ‘gash’. “Just score more goals” is the Ross-Russell way.
- “One or two passes and then shoot. It is the teams that have too much of the ball and are playing too many passes amongst themselves that have the least success.”
The Ladpack are the Harlem Globetrotters of Frank Lee Monday night 5-a-side Football, and generally don’t concede when they have the ball. Everyone knows that a look-away-pass is better than a goal anyway. Idiot.
- “Goals win matches. That’s why your striker has to be something special”
Team #Ladpack won the league with Simon Day playing as a striker. Enough said.
- “…with their back to goal, bring in the attacking full-backs with little wall passes”
NO WALL PASSES. EVER. If you play the ball off the wall (intentionally), you will be fined. Pass to feet (or scoop).
- “the world won’t end if we lose the odd game of five-a-side football”
Maybe that’s true of Premier League football, but FLMN5ASF is considerably more competitive. You show your lack of ambition Mr Wenger, there’s no fourth place trophy in this league…
- “The only skill that isn’t necessary is the ability to play the ball long or in the air”
What, for instance like a kind of scooping motion? Have you literally never heard of Ladpack Arsene, you tool?
- “Scoring is often about how much you want to score.”
“I really want to score but sometimes it’s hard because people get in the way and a lot of the time I miss” Simon Day recently FrancisJeffersed in a press conference.
- “The top players all know what they are going to do before they get the ball.”
A lot of the time Ladpack players don’t know even what they have just done with a ball, let alone what they are about to do.
- “But great players love to work and be competitive, no matter what you ask of them.”
Put Luke in goal first when it’s raining. I literally dare you. See what happens.
Such an amateur.
Today the Queen addressed Whitehall in her annual speech to launch the new Parliamentary year, but was shocked to find that not a single person attended. MPs from the length of the country were supposed to attend, but news had broken that Manchester United Manager Baconface Ferguson had announced his retirement at the end of the season, and the entire population of the UK was stuck at home looking at the Sky Sports App for updates. Who would be replacing him? What did this mean for Rooney? Could Wrigley’s Gum PR team recover from this?
A number of replacements’ names have been thrown around, from The Special One to Pellegrini, the unthreatening nice guy David Moyes to German head-case Jurgen Klopp. But one name was hotly tipped to take the reins at the biggest club in football: Jim Ross-Russell.
Having proved a revelation in 5-a-side football, it was only a matter of time until Jim was linked with a move to a big club. The Bank Holiday weekend has proved an opportunity for the team to embark on a lucrative tour of Norfolk villages, and without phone signal the team and their representatives are currently unavailable for comment.
The best manager British football has ever seen is on his way out: One thing is for sure, while the next few weeks broadsheet coverage will feature endless sycophantic pourings and sensationalist rumour-mongering regarding a replacement, fans of Ladpack will be praying for their talismanic leader to commit and guide the team to a second successive Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side league title.
The club has brought in Simon’s cousin that did Psychology at A-level to help Jamie, Nick and Luke to get through this black day.
Have a look around, and keep an eye out for our regular match reports to keep up with all things relating to the best Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side Football team in 12/13.
Reigning champions and lovely guys.