Match Report 19 February 2013: We’re getting close, and Jim moves into temporary fulltime management

Expectations were high going into this game, having heard that immediately before our game, Bleeding Marvellous; the Madrid to our Barca, the Iceman to our Maverick, the DJ Jazzy Jeff to our Will Smith, had lost their game. We had a chance to pull ahead and push 6 points ahead before their second game later in the evening. Jim was nursing a knee injury sustained during his salsa class over the weekend, so was impersonating ‘Ole Baconface’ Ferguson from the sidelines, gum and all. This meant Luke would have to play the whole game, much to his snotty, cold-ridden disappointment.

The match started well, with Simon ‘Shaka Hislop’ Day making his standard first-five wondersave to set the tone. Despite this, the score rattled up 1-0, 1-1, 2-1, etc until 4-4. This was largely due to their uncanny Gareth Bale impersonator, with his pace, hammer-shot and air of bellend-ishness. At least he didn’t celebrate like a knob like his monkey-faced counterpart, but I digress. Half time 5-4.

Stringing together some delightful Triangles and percentage stats that would leave Brian Laudrup foaming at the mouth, Jonny ‘My Free Cams’ Pugh struck a curling beauty saved by the goalkeeper, and Simon ‘Bambi on ice’ Day shirked his awkward lack of coordination, instead channelling Ruud Van Nistelrooy to neatly dispatch the rebound in off the post.

We won a free kick after some wizardry from Cherry Hinton’s Jimmy Bullard Luke Cheesbrough. Now, I am not sure what the ball had done to Jamie, but when the layoff reached him he struck a thunderbastard into the top corner with power and rage reminiscent of two titans fighting (or one People’s elbow). It broke the sound barrier. The opposition bitched about having been making a sub as one of them had forgotten his panty-liner or something, but the ref likes us for being such a great pack of lads so he told them to be quiet and let the goal stand.

This angered the beast and some heavy tackles came in. Simon got a dead leg after being caught on the knee. All medical professionals know there is no pain on earth worse than a dead knee, but he soldiered on, albeit playing one-leggedly. Whilst we continued to apply pressure, Nick, the last man, decided to make the closing minutes a little more dramatic by giving the opposition the ball and they dutifully smashed it past a helpless and red-hot-furious Jamie, who had clearly not been watching Simon between the sticks in recent weeks.

Simon had from this point progressed from a kangaroo hop to a G-Unit limp, and as such started actually running again (intermittently), and with the opposition tired and upset, we steamrolled them in the final minutes to win 10-5.

Elsewhere, missing their allstar GK (possibly on international duty), Bleeding Marvellous went on to lose 17-4. The pressure, fanbase and raw sexuality that we bring every week are clearly causing them to show Arsenal-esque “mental weakness”. Or they are just Arsenal-esque shit.

Up the Ladpack. Three games to go, four points clear at the top. It’s ours to lose…

ENDS

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