So baconyToday the Queen addressed Whitehall in her annual speech to launch the new Parliamentary year, but was shocked to find that not a single person attended. MPs from the length of the country were supposed to attend, but news had broken that Manchester United Manager Baconface Ferguson had announced his retirement at the end of the season, and the entire population of the UK was stuck at home looking at the Sky Sports App for updates. Who would be replacing him? What did this mean for Rooney? Could Wrigley’s Gum PR team recover from this?

A number of replacements’ names have been thrown around, from The Special One to Pellegrini, the unthreatening nice guy David Moyes to German head-case Jurgen Klopp. But one name was hotly tipped to take the reins at the biggest club in football: Jim Ross-Russell.

Having proved a revelation in 5-a-side football, it was only a matter of time until Jim was linked with a move to a big club. The Bank Holiday weekend has proved an opportunity for the team to embark on a lucrative tour of Norfolk villages, and without phone signal the team and their representatives are currently unavailable for comment.

The best manager British football has ever seen is on his way out: One thing is for sure, while the next few weeks broadsheet coverage will feature endless sycophantic  pourings and sensationalist rumour-mongering regarding a replacement, fans of Ladpack will be praying for their talismanic leader to commit and guide the team to a second successive Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side league title.

The club has brought in Simon’s cousin that did Psychology at A-level to help Jamie, Nick and Luke to get through this black day.



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