The Pack arrived to the no-thousand seater stadium/carpark on Monday night knowing that a win, coupled with a CBU loss, would guarantee them a debut season championship title and a place in sports history.
Tonight’s victims were the aptly named, bottom of the league, ‘Expendables’. Having previously put 12 past them, Ladpack were confident that we could dispatch them with enough energy remaining to go and cheer CBU’s opponents on to victory. Or just call CBU bellends and run away.
We went out onto the pitch to be greeted by numerous familiar faces. It seems that the Expendables had taken advantage of the league rule that you can play for another team in the league if that team is short of players, and were apparently approximately 6 players short. Hence appeared Fantasy Football team of Monday night football; It was like an end of level boss or Band Aid. Arkham was empty and Batman had a job to do. Gareth Bale mk II from last week had seemingly not had enough lad-shaped punishment and was here to cause us trouble once again, as well as Harry Potter and The Old Bald Guy Who Kicks Everyone. We weren’t prepared for this.
Our only advantage was that Luke ‘Hollywood’ Cheesbrough was sporting a beautiful and perfectly aerodynamic new haircut, revealing the chiseled features and come to bed eyes that had been hidden below the mop. This obviously make him a better/faster player and spooked our opponents as they momentarily thought we had signed philanthropist and beautiful man David Beckham.
The game was tough, and we conceded first. We dug deep and managed to stay in the game, largely due to two illegal goals from Simon ‘play to the whistle’ Day, one volley clearly in the area, the other where he beat one man, then just pushed the other over before smashing it into the top corner. Thank goodness for our favourite referee. Half time and it was 5-4 to the Ladpack.
The game went to and fro, mostly due to Gary Bale II with his hammer of a right foot and his quarterback range of passing. They were up for it hilariously started taking out Cheesy at every opportunity, much to his protest (He literally shouted “Fucking A!” at the ref like a 90’s New Jersey mobster at one point). He literally got his shin pad snapped in two by one challenge. They annoyingly scored a couple more and with 5 mins to go Ladpack were losing 8-7. Once more something special was needed…
Jonny Pugh was clearly getting annoyed by the whining opposition and decided to run at the ball wherever it went. What followed was the most Grant Holt goal we have ever scored, as Jonny closed down the first man, who panicked and passed to another whilst JP closed them all down. On slip under pressure, one big toe interception and the frash of a size 27 boot and it was in the back of their net. Game on.
We threw everything we had at them but they managed to soak up the pressure. They had, however forgotten that Nick ‘Bombardier’ Stubbings and Colonel ‘Blitzkrieg’ Clarke should not be given space to shoot from distance, and whilst Cheese and Jonny pulled their markers a way with red arrow like precision, first Nick then Jamie walloped piledrivers past their helpless and deflated goalkeeper in the final minute. From then on we “Swansea’d” the rest of the game to see out the win.
CBU also won, so we go into the final fixture in two weeks time two points clear at the top with an inferior goal difference to CBU. Nothing but a win will do, but Ladpack FC eats pressure for breakfast and craps delicious free-scoring football. Let them draft in whoever they want, we aren’t scared of anyone. Except that really good goalkeeper we only scored one against. If they get him we’re screwed. But you get my point…
UP THE LADPACK.
MOM: Jonny ‘bulldog’ Pugh, for practically humping the opposition to bundle in the important goal.
Scorers: Day (2), Clarke (2), Stubbings (2), Cheesbrough (1) Pugh (3).