Having fought off the circling interests of Manchester United, Jim RR’s managerial position was once again pulled into question following news that Arsene Wenger is showing an interest in 5-a-side football here and here.
But could he win the Frank Lee Monday Night 5-a-side Football League without champagne players like Henry, Pires, Cazorla and Bendtner? Here is a list of ten reasons Arsene’s interviews show that he is not right for the Ladpack job:
- “Most five-a-side players like to do a bit of everything with no fixed positions: total football, they often call it, though opponents prefer another two-word phrase: easy pickings.”
Every #Lad is a striker, GK, defender, tea lady, kit man. They call the Ladpack the #YellowPages, because the team is full of jack-of-all-tradesman.
- “You need a goalkeeper; The other option is to take it into turns but for me this is a negative tactic and doesn’t allow for any cohesion.”
Despite Mad Dog Minto making many match-winning saves this season, the rest of Ladpack’s goalkeeping is what is technically known in the footballing community as ‘gash’. “Just score more goals” is the Ross-Russell way.
- “One or two passes and then shoot. It is the teams that have too much of the ball and are playing too many passes amongst themselves that have the least success.”
The Ladpack are the Harlem Globetrotters of Frank Lee Monday night 5-a-side Football, and generally don’t concede when they have the ball. Everyone knows that a look-away-pass is better than a goal anyway. Idiot.
- “Goals win matches. That’s why your striker has to be something special”
Team #Ladpack won the league with Simon Day playing as a striker. Enough said.
- “…with their back to goal, bring in the attacking full-backs with little wall passes”
NO WALL PASSES. EVER. If you play the ball off the wall (intentionally), you will be fined. Pass to feet (or scoop).
- “the world won’t end if we lose the odd game of five-a-side football”
Maybe that’s true of Premier League football, but FLMN5ASF is considerably more competitive. You show your lack of ambition Mr Wenger, there’s no fourth place trophy in this league…
- “The only skill that isn’t necessary is the ability to play the ball long or in the air”
What, for instance like a kind of scooping motion? Have you literally never heard of Ladpack Arsene, you tool?
- “Scoring is often about how much you want to score.”
“I really want to score but sometimes it’s hard because people get in the way and a lot of the time I miss” Simon Day recently FrancisJeffersed in a press conference.
- “The top players all know what they are going to do before they get the ball.”
A lot of the time Ladpack players don’t know even what they have just done with a ball, let alone what they are about to do.
- “But great players love to work and be competitive, no matter what you ask of them.”
Put Luke in goal first when it’s raining. I literally dare you. See what happens.
Such an amateur.