LADPACK MATCH REPORT 8 JULY 2013: Round One, Fight!


The Stunts Warm Up

The Stunts Warm Up

The Ladpack had to endure their most physical game to date, but are mostly still standing, following a scorching brawl with the Cunning Stunts. Legends are told around camp fires as to how the stunts were actually formed during the Spring of 2013, but it is generally accepted to be one of these three:

  1. an anger management class was burned down and they needed somewhere else to meet on a Monday evening
  2. A genetically enhanced testosterone-rat escaped from the lab and bit an entire netball team
  3. They are a Frank Lee Monday Night Five-a-side Football team that doesn’t get enough hugs

With Luke on holiday it was down to the old core of Jamie ‘Ryu’ Clarke, Simon ‘Ken’ Day, Jonny ‘Dhalsim’ Pugh, Jimmy ‘Blanca’ Ross-Russell and Jon ‘Chun Li’ Minto to pull on the black and yellow in the sweltering sun. Alarm bells should have been ringing from the second that the Stunts warmed up in full dojo gear and leather jackets, chanting ‘Eye of the Tiger’ whilst circling a life-size cut out of Vinnie Jones, but nonetheless the #Lads had confidence that they had what it took to beat their league rivals.

Following his successful Ladpack debut, Chris ‘Formerly Known As The Player Formerly Known As Judas’ Whitt was back to his parent club, playing for the stunts; The longing in his eyes as he looked over from their prematch sacrifice to Chuck Norris at the Lads warming up with lovable banter and blokey larks.

It is well documented that the Ladpack are lovers, not fighters, and so the early stages were a steep learning curve. League rules stipulate that players must have shin pads, but saldy the ladpack didn’t think to wear the chainmail required to endure the kicks and fouls that came their way right from kick off. Their physical style contrasted the Ladpack silk, like watching Barry White singing his chocolate-smooth seductive tones whilst making love to a blender, and the score line was so tight that there was never more than a goal in it either way.


Jim gives his half time team talk

The scores were  so close in fact, that the Stunts probably could have comfortably won it if they didn’t keep trying to play wrestling and give away so many free kicks. The referee was happy to keep giving the free kicks, but didn’t see fit to ‘sin bin’ any of them, presumably out of fear of roundhouse himself. This didn’t stop Jamie from continually reminding him of how many fouls they had committed; even though the number seemed to double with each foul (“REF! THAT’S HIS FORTY-SIXTH ONE!”).

Chris was visibly embarrassed, like the girl bashfully hiding her face as her drunken boyfriend fights police having urinated in a phonebox.  There were some great exchanges:

“You can tell you lot are footballers, the amount you whine”
“and also because we are beating you at football?”
“You remind me of my sister!”
“Do you kick the shit out of your sister too, then?”

Despite the heat and the impending multiple fractures, Jonny scored five in what would end up as a 6-5 Ladpack win. Probably the Lads’ hardest match to date, but the unbeaten record holds fast. Up the Ladpack.

 Game Over

Thank god Luke ‘Chicken Drumsticks’ Cheesbrough didn’t play, he would literally have never got up from some of those tackles…


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