LADPACK MATCH REPORT 1 JULY 2013: Dark voices in the night

*Darkness. Darkness throughout a dank, cold house. A creaking door breaks the silence, as the ground begins to shake. A light begins to burn in the hallway and shadows dance across bare walls, and the room is slowly filling with a haunting melody. As it grows to a deafening roar, a lonely figure crouches in the corner, rocking back and forth. The songs pierce his heart; badly made pop songs tormenting him with their horrendous hooks and soulless lyrics.*

Jim RR jerks awake, a cold sweat on his brow. It is another Jessie J nightmare.

Apologies for the lack of quality sports reporting in recent weeks, but the Ladpack loyal reporter got lost at Glastonbury and has been wandering aimlessly across Somerset countryside humming Mumford and Sons banjo tunes. Never fear, I have watched the tapes and can bring you all the belated action.

Monday 1 July saw the mighty #Lads take on league rivals CBU, who hold the exclusive accolade of being the only team to ever beat the LAdpack. This is of course a heavy burden for any group, but #Ladpack Manager Jim RR has not forgotten:

“It plays on my mind, irritating like an infected mosquito bite on the right buttock; like the man that tells everybody that will listen that he doesn’t watch television; they are my Jessie J.”

With Nick still deluding himself in Ladpack retirement, Jim (who was on holiday) made a young man’s dream finally come true and called upon Chris ‘formerly known as Judas’ Whitt to pull of the famous black and yellow. He was emotional: “It has always been a dream of mine to work under Jim RR; He’s obviously a legend of Monday Night 5-a-side Frank Lee Football, and as much as I have pretended to enjoy playing for Cunning Stunts, I think everybody knows that I wear a Ladpack shirt to bed every night.”

Meanwhile, Simon and Minto were floating their way back from a well-known Somerset Hippy Jam Fest. Caked in mud and sporting the clouded mind of men that haven’t slept in five days, to say they were unfit to play would be an understatement. Sadly with no alternative stand in manager Jonny asked the pair to play; an offer they couldn’t turn down, largely because they could barely talk.

The game kicked off with Chris establishing himself early, filling Jim’s ‘reducer’ role by smashing an opponent into the hoarding, called the ref soft and bossing the game. However at the other end Simon was dragging his feet around, weeping and stumbling around in the ‘free role’, clearly unfit to play football, and with a slightly spangled look in Minto’s eyes CBU were 3-2 up after ten minutes.

Simon and Minto shared a Red Bull at half time and the Lads exploded out of the blocks. Despite the 3000 degree heat Jonny was creaming in the goals, including one particularly delightful feigned right foot shot on to his left and smashed into the top left corner, one opponent literally saying “Jesus Christ that was awesome”. Suddenly the game swung Ladwards, and Simon was played clean through, his eyes sparked and he was on it in a flash, one on one, before trying an audacious dink over the diving keeper, who made a great save before Simon carried on his run to the corner of the pitch where he spent a good thirty seconds dry heaving. The keeper rolled the ball out to a defender who clearly saw the mess that was Simon as no threat, and practically ran into him by the hoardings. The ball rolled free and Simon summed up all his remaining energy and lashed at it. Clearance? Pass? Whatever it was it went in off the angle, before Simon literally rolled off the pitch. The #Ladpack had pulled it off again.

The final result of 9-3 didn’t really reflect the game but provided an important boost to our goal difference. CBWho?

*The camera pans across a bright, beautiful sunset, with birds chirping and a light breeze provides a gentle rustle through the trees. Jim RR stands tall, clean, refreshed. He has slept soundly for the first time in almost a year. His demons slayed and his mind settled, he barely remembers who Jessie J is*

The stuff of nightmares


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